[ The music plays triumphantly as the curtain lifts to reveal a bold, bright neon sign which reads "And Now It's a Trilogy".] Wow, that's a beautiful neon sign...If you could only see it, bright and vivid in all of its abstract glory within my imagination...And the streaks of light as Tron speeders race over it...beautiful...So, did I plan on this being a trilogy? Uhhh...sure I did...oh, yeah...What? Why are you looking at me like that? You don't believe me? I...ummm... okay, so, maybe it was partially true...to a lesser extent... all right, it was a big lie. After mentally chewing on the issue for a while, the first two of the VINAP Chronicles (don't you just love acronyms?) were constructed with the sole purpose of being entirely critical. Of course, I love to be critical; that has never been an area of contention. However, I only favor an analysis that both chastises you with a verbal whipping and offers you a helping hand afterwards. So, after writing the equivalent of corporal punishment for two sessions, it's about time for a little "pep talk."

So, after the last two articles in this series, some people might get the impression that I am suggesting a draconian policy towards conducting romantic relationships, where I expect people to never embrace another unless the other meets a 100% score on some arbitrarily-chosen test, perhaps with questions of your own invention. In fact, after reading the previous articles, I'm willing to bet that some people envisioned my concept of a date as me sitting rigidly across a dinner table from my date, asking questions with a clipboard in my hands as I stomp angrily in a pair of Gestapo-style boots...

• Me : Achtung! Now, vhat ist your answer to the following question...if ich vere to be offered a new career in a new place, and you did not want to move away from ein family, vhat would you do? Do not wait! Answer now!
• Nervous Woman : I...uh....I don't know...maybe I would go with you...it just depends on if I had my own career going at the time and on where you were moving to...
• Me : Nein! Nein! That ist not a good answer! Vhere ist your spreadsheet that covers all possible permutations which ist implied by my question? You vere not prepared for this!
• [ I write ferociously onto the clipboard with a spiteful look on my face.]
• Nervous Woman : Uhhh...what are you writing?
• Me : Nothing that your stupid little brain would understand! Now, vhat ist the best position for "make-up" sex?
• Nervous Woman : I...I don't know...is it "doggy-style?"
• Me : Lugner! Lugner! Ein ist a liar! Ein knows it to be "reverse cowgirl!"
• [ I pick up the nearby glass of water and throw it in her face.]

Yeah...that's not exactly what I've been suggesting all along. Well, the boots aren't so bad...speaking of boots, the "'F' me" boots that the girls were wearing a few years back could distract me from defusing a nuclear bomb...Of course, the recent "mini-skirt" craze which has replaced the "'F' me" boots is a damn good trade, so I don't really miss the boots all that much...but I digress (yet again)...So, no, I'm not suggesting that you approach a romantic prospect in a Kenjutsu defensive posture, katana in hand and ready to "cut the bastard down" at the first trace of possible disappointment (though you should still steer away from the "Well, if I have to pick somebody, I guess that I'll pick..." syndrome. If you don't watch it, that disease could quickly turn into a nasty case of "Well, if I had to have sex with a transvestite, it would be that one."). No, I'm suggesting something else. Since most of you are not omniscient (and, for argument's sake, let's assume for now that I'm included in that target group), your mind can only do so much with a limited amount of information. So, when you're on your next reconnaissance mission at your local bar (or any other institution that sponsors alcohol-induced drama), keep this advice in mind : keep an eye out for the "outline" of the person you're looking for.

Now, does this mean that you should be listening on the police radio, running to murder scenes where the guy with chalk is encircling some dead guy's head? In the case that you haven't figured it out... no. Well, unless you're a necrophile...but, then again, your version of an outline is somebody's skeleton, ya fuckin' freak...So, what do I mean? Well, think of the person who you're looking for, and then focus on that person's qualities. Then, abstract...no, don't start drawing concentric circles on the walls of the Guggenheim. Not that kind of abstract...I'm talking about the "good" kind. Yes, think of what a person with those qualities would say or do...maybe how they would laugh or look at you...maybe even the tone or strength of their voice. Or (for me)...how they would respond to a humorous series of articles with the word "vagina" in its title. (Oddly enough, I've noticed that a few women frown upon the idea of having the word "vagina" in the title of an article written by a man...especially when we all know that its appropriate place should be in huge letters which are illuminated by the lights of Broadway.)

An example? Hmmm...well, since we've been going out for two articles now, I guess that I can trust you...All right, let's use one of mine as an example. I've always thought that I'd probably meet the ultimate woman at the last (or penultimate) place that I could think of and that upon meeting her, she'd do one of (or a couple of) three things : she would correct me in an off-hand way, she would mock me in a benevolent way, or that she would playfully strike me. Now, for all of you that are writing emails that suggest the best local dominatrix in the New York City area, just know that I have beat you to the punch and have rendered your insults powerless. So, what do all of these traits indicate? With the first, there's a great chance that she "knows her shit", and when she offers her knowledge in an off-hand way, it's very likely that she's not condescending in sharing it with others. With the second, she's very likely a person who feels confident enough to judge something that you do as silly and yet does not equate the possession of one silly trait as a person who is entirely silly. And with the third, there's a good chance that she's not afraid to push or nudge you in order to let you know that she's there...because she wants to remind you that she's there. She wants your attention, and she is determined to get it.