Unfortunate Candidates for Hell

Reason : Having a soft head is no excuse for not believing in the Lord.

Reason : Hey, time ain't your friend, my friend. Them's the breaks.

Reason : Maybe you believed in God...but your female alter ego is Jewish. Sorry, pal...you can't have your motza and eat it, too.

Reason : I don't know what's in hell for cognizant robots that are abominations originating from mankind's vain attempt to be God...but I bet it's some scary shit.

Reason : Listen, it's a constant juggling act...you can't constantly avoid sin to save your soul because that's just selfish. You gotta balance that out by doing some unselfish things that aren't focused on saving your own hide...like murdering a few child molesters and such. Think of getting to heaven like it's applying for college...you need to round out your application.

Reason : Would you trust your girlfriend after she was in bed with someone else, moaning for weeks? Nobody wants sloppy seconds.

Reason : If the cute baby ain't getting in, you sure as hell don't have a chance, ugly.

Reason : This is an act of God...and you better not defy it! Get your ass back here!

Reason : There's nothing to fear from God, my beloved little creature...now snap out of it or get an enema of hellfire.

Reason : For shame...and you didn't even swallow.

Reason : Listen, even the Big Guy shits his pants laughing when you mimic the loud, obnoxious retard in the corner...but rules are rules, you godless bastard. Sorry.

Reason : Growing up without God is bad enough, but fucking Cheetah for all those years is unforgivable. Philo and Clyde look down on you.

Reason : In a parallel dimension, Jesus is the son of God and nails himself to a cross...but only because he's a huge masochistic freak, dying due to autoerotic asphyxiation. Burn in hell, evil Jesus...burn in hell.

Reason : Listen, why did you go and lie about how old you are by messing with the carbon dating and planting those enlarged lizard skulls? Thought it was funny to make the Big Guy look bad, you little punk? All right...we'll see who's laughing when you get handed over to Jupiter; he's been dying to fuck you in the ass.

Reason : It doesn't matter one bit how sad and pathetic you look, sitting there and drooling...Jesus is gonna whistle as he pushes your wheelchair down the stairs into your personal black hole, you atheist biaaatch.

Reason : Maybe he'll remember the name of Christ when he's getting a hot poker being shoved in his ass.

Reason : There's no place within the celestial planes for such a potty-mouthed little person. Only flying with balloons will get you a reprieve.

Reason : Too bad you didn't beat Doctor Doom's ass with a cross instead of your stupid hammer, you polytheistic bastard.

Reason : It's fortunate that you beat your peers by making it to the A.D. and get that chance to believe in God...congratulations, buddy. Bad news? You're still too stupid for any level of comprehension and therefore are unable to understand the Bible. All right... into the oven of Hades.

Reason : Too much time spent eating those Reese's Pieces. Too little time reading the Bible.

Reason : Sure, you're meek and shit...I'll give you that. But, God damn it, man, you can't be disrespectin' J.C. like that with your mispresentin'. Would J.C. be walkin' around with vomit-covered flannel?!? Fuck you, motherfucker.

Reason : Let's see...God has you scheduled to die 5 years from now...and you went and did something "heroic" that I have here in my manual as falling under the category of suicide. Well, don't worry...I'm sure that you'll get some sort of parade when you get to Hell.

Reason : Good thing you're an abstract. If you weren't...man, you'd be dead fucking meat.