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Classifieds - 09/03/2007
SWM sitting within waiting room for jury duty seeks to
solicit legal counsel. Want to know crime of least punishment
which will get me out of doing this shit ever again.
Writer of solicitation email for porn looking for new
writing opportunities. Resume includes crowning achievements
"HRNY BICH WANTS TO CHRRY-STEM-TIE YUR BALLS", "MY DAD
JUST FUKED MY ASS AND I NEED MOR!", and "I HAV NO SOUL,
WHITCH MEANS MOR ROOM FOR YUR JIZZ!".
Powerful, oppressive Asian government seeks detective
to locate The Ghostbusters. If found, offer them deal to
capture and further torture political dissidents who
attempt escape via suicide.
Product company for urban youths looking to bolster image
by creating resort facility which will reinforce product identity.
Looking for personnel to run facility by communicating via
unabashed solecisms, driving cars for drive-by clay shooting,
preparing buffet counter by unwrapping fast food,
and generally behaving like prehistoric mammals.
Secondhand boss who defers all decision-making in order to
avoid responsibility seeks corporate training to ascend into
the "thirdhand" level. Willing to have a meeting and form
a consensus as to if and how this is done.
SWM who became GWM after watching HGTV for 5 minutes seeks
fellow HGTV viewer who can give my penis a deep purple
that "pops" against wall color.
Hollywood film company looking to create new movie
with hero characters based on 1980s commercial properties.
Casting call starts immediately for Kool-Aid Man, Teddy Grahams,
the California Raisins, the Pound Puppies, and Electronic Simon (Says).
BAM seeks SAM who is open to try foursome with GAM and TAM,
along with, of course, green eggs and ham.
American search engine company looking to provide services
on behalf of powerful, oppressive Asian government. Will
ferret out any potential troublemakers without any regard
to conscience or integrity. Have Ghostbusters on speed-dial.
Leading religious leader of Western world seeks additional
partners for profit with cross-marketing. Latest campaigns
include "Penitent for Pepsi", "Resist the Temptation...to Not
Pay Your Taxes!", and "Nuts for NAMBLA!".
SHF looking to become first woman to do anything as woman.
Gained much experience studying under first woman to be
arrested in chicken costume for arson.
SHM in cubicle seeking heart attack to strike the obese
SFAB who won't shut up in next cubicle. Jesus, like we
give fuck about your bus trip or whether allergies prevent
you from eating dump trucks.
Pornography producer looking to create even more angry
version of porn. Seeking male candidates who can literally
stab and impale with phallus. Also seeking female candidates
open to new idea of dildo jousting.
Lonely mechanical rover on Mars seeking companionship.
Have not seen or felt female connector in many months.
Probes need not apply, specifically that Voyager fag.
SWM wishes to find funding for new idea of "Me Parade".
Purpose is to celebrate Me instead of all those other assholes.
Anyone that supports Me should write out checks to Me and
clap for Me from the side as only Me walks in the parade.
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