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Classifieds - 02/22/2005
Concerned citizen wishes to collect funds in order to
aid the vision-impaired. Funds will be used to purchase
either trained 'eye' dogs or head gear that will protect them
from me as I beat them with their own annoying, probing walking sticks.
Brain-damaged yuppie in major city freaking out to approach
of oncoming blizzard and looking to purchase "emergency" supplies.
Seeking goods to handle worst-case scenario of having
to order food delivery and to call on cell phone during off-plan hours.
Frustrated participant in active group conversation at office
wishes to clarify "clean" comment by asshole on left. "Seeing"
the chick on the ninth floor is P.C. bullshit way of saying
"I fuck her on the copy machine every Thursday."
Devout movie buff seeks horror movies where young children
are not whispering ambiguous, regurgitated bullshit during
trailers before other movies. Would rather watch same children
in a comedy called "Michael Jackson Graduates from the Seminary."
Female in relationship seeks additional ways of testing
male partner. Am willing to go so far as to remove
genitalia and receive lobotomy in order to test his love.
SWM playing Grand Theft Auto just killed prostitute after
fucking her in my Super GT. Feeling pretty good about it.
Thinking about a career change. Looking for advice on how
to go about doing so and wondering if dead hookers do disappear
just like in the game.
Ill individual laying on bed with friendly candy striper
seeks medication that will relieve a fever and not cause
limp dick. Do not care if liver is
dissolved by pills, but loss of erection not acceptable.
SHM seeking scary bitch who will become a retarded mess
without labia at drop of hat due to paranoid delusions.
Must also consider blowing her own brains out so I can
prove love for not only her mind.
Consumer looking for bargain vacation in country where people do
not dream about food and where parades do not include gigantic
portraits of their scary-ass leaders.
SWM on phone with heart-broken lesbian SBW who just broke up with
girlfriend. Not sure what to say. Thinking about humor to
ease pain, like suggestion about getting some man-meat between
legs. Probably not a good idea.
Caretaker of grave for Derrida begging people to stop
taking shits on his tombstone. On second thought, never mind.
I should care, but what is point. Life is pointless.
SBM seeks clarification on word "emotion" in use by women.
Seems to have range of meaning, from some form of communication
to supplement of wave-particle theory of light. Cannot quite
nail this one down on own.
Lonely SWF seeks advice on current thoughts regarding friend
who has happy relationship with man. Am thinking of her
as smug bitch who needs backhand to wipe off smug grin.
Am wondering if these thoughts are fucked up.
Pimp in Grand Theft Auto game just be finding some john
gat one of my girls. Dis shit be most outrageous. I is
looking to hire a cat to grease the little punk who disrespected
my bidness. Preferably wishing to hire me someone who stole
dat bad-ass tank from Army base and who can be staying below
five stars on Wanted level.
Pathetic prig who gets wet thinking about Sarbanes-Oxley
demands more regulations to pass through Congress. Cannot
wait to conform to imposed standards by government and
show everyone how my shit-covered nose makes me a much
more obedient monkey than them.
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