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Classifieds -09/16/2004
Southern state near Gulf of Mexico apologizing to rain gods
for whatever it did lately. Begging to stop sending a
fucking hurricane every half turn of the moon. If needed,
will supply sacrifices.
Major plans underway to create new Hall of Fame for baseball players
who were in a rock-n-roll band. Looking for potential candidates.
Requirements include at least 500 hits and at least 100 groupie blowjobs.
Young urban professional planning to relocate to Las Vegas
due to low state income tax and low housing costs needs
additional rationalizations.
National Society of Mother Copulation looking for others
to sign petition against the use of term "motherfucker"
as derogatory term.
Children of western Sudan making open letter of request
for help from any available Pokemon. Bashir and his
janjaweed are really tough and mean. Will probably need
Pikachu and maybe Squirrtle. Get your asses here quick.
New non-profit organization to fight adult illiteracy
seeking funding. Plans are to mass produce the kind of women's shorts
with words printed across the back. Send money by calling
1-HOOKD-ON-ASS
Sperm seeking path of boiled egg rather than the suicide mission
into this guy's ass.
Young Iranian student advocating a change in government
and being beaten by Guardian Council henchmen
patiently waiting for world to step in and help. No big hurry.
Take your time, just my blood and brains. No biggie.
Homeless applicants desired to become candidates for
new reality show "American Cup-Shaker".
Nigerian children who are looking to scam Sudanese children
in search of midgets who
can either breath fire or invoke lightning at fingertips
and who are willing to dress as Pokemon.
Animal rights group consisting of oncologists and gynocologists
wants more forestry experts to join in its "Thomas Depuy
Cancer-Free Beaver" project.
Al Manar television looking to expand into children's programming.
Seeks audience participants for new show called "Mr. Mohammed's Neighborhood".
Will teach children values like thinking of Jews as
foul-tasting falafel and about how to make a bomb out of
three-day-old hummus and a hookah.
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