|
|
Classifieds - 11/01/2003
SBF who hates Clairol "herbal orgasm" commercials
seeks shady employee who will replace the Clairol
girls' shampoo with bottle of habenero/jalepeno sauce.
Extra $$$ for tape of their painful screams.
Compassionate SWF would love to cure a lonely man's heart,
preferably with salt and mesquite.
SWM looking to accept a paternal role for a young boy
within single mother family. Will buy booze and dirty mags
to help me to bang the living crap out of your mother.
Umm...I don't know. I don't know that much about myself to
tell you anything. Ummm...please fuck me.
Somewhat capricious SWF seeking man on Wednesdays, Hispanic
women on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and coniferous trees on
all remaining days of the week.
Domestic government agency looking to hire new recruits
for new "Poop Ranger" program. Tasks will include clearing
public parks of unwanted dog poo. Rangers must have extensive
knowledge of how to take shit and handle lots of crap.
SWM neighbor who lives in apartment below yours is listening
and masturbating as you have sex. Would appreciate it if
someone would say "Fuck Me" a little louder.
Young Japanese girl look for friend in New York City for
while. Would like you to get me on top of your Empire Building.
Would also like you help me ride your train below.
Savvy entrepreneur expanding speed-dating with new program
"Speed-Relationships". Sessions will only last thirty
seconds. Initial format will include man ejaculating on
woman's face while woman stabs man in heart with cleaver.
Masks provided for added mystery and anonymity.
Adolescent seeking ideology which justifies downloading
pirated music and movies. Would prefer conclusions that
renounce private property and rationalize all forms of theft.
Lemming #435 currently running with pack towards edge of
cliff. Would like someone to explain what the hell we are doing.
SWM seeks perfect costume that will give me excuse for
acting like jackass and smacking girls' asses. Am willing
to go to great lengths. Have bought a wheelchair for
"retard" costume for last year. Played homosexual transvestite
curious about heterosexuality year before that.
Man with fairy-tale fowl that produces golden eggs willing
to trade. Specifically looking for either donkey that
urinates uranium or jade toilet that converts feces into
corporate bonds.
Lonely, inebriated SWM seeking to employ little angel on
shoulder to object to lewd thoughts. Am staring at Hispanic
transvestite hooker on street corner. Am beginning to
think she's so hot that I don't care if she has a penis.
You can call me Tommy.
SWF looking for SWM who enjoys museums, long walks on the beach,
romantic dinners, magic, surprises, laughter, animals,
men who are the culmination of contradictions (tough and
sensitive, intelligent and stupid, human and alien, etc.),
and the remainder of the same boring bullshit which every
"Woman-Seeking-Man" ad contains.
Career serial killer looking to start new spree of
gruesome death. Motif will be telemarketers who leave
messages on my answering machine. Looking forward to
your call.
|
