The Five Tenets for Stand-Up Comedy

There were various palliative solutions to the disease which was the environment of my youth. While others who found themselves in a similar position chose to self-prescribe various sedatives (of which I occasionally would also indulge), my preferences were the more inspirational kind. I found myself more fond of the material that got my cerebral synapses firing...and, no, I'm not talking about cocaine (even though that was "inspiring" in its own way). Among that material included books, movies, music...and, of course, stand-up comedy. There was a power behind someone who could enlighten me, enrage me, and make me laugh...and all at the same time. From Kaplan to Carlin to Murphy to Kinison to Rogan, I always found stand-up comedians to be more sacrosanct than any preacher, and, in fact, I learned more from any comedian than I ever did from any papist moron who tried to feed me his hermeneutics. In the toughest times of my life, when certain elements would start to push the idea of my life as being determined to be malevolent, I could listen to the best stand-up comedy and revel in its honesty, in its ability to laugh and rejoice. More importantly, those titans taught me how to laugh at the worst aspects of the world, to see that the utterly absurd had no power over me, and to laugh with this new power, this new ability to point out and ridicule the subtle yet pernicious stupidity among us. When on stage, as they empowered themselves and me, they became my gods.

Unfortunately, stand-up comedy is now moribund, given that most of its players resemble the harbingers of an humorless future. Somehow, during the last decade, the vade mecum of amateur stand-up was swapped with a new one, where anything abstract or thought-provoking has now been considered obsolete. Essentially, stand-up comedy has become a "safe" venue, where material gets recycled and mainly restates mainstream ideas. In other words, each stand-up comedian is attempting to befriend his/her audience, and, by doing so, is throwing away any individual thoughts that might be startling, shocking, enlightening, ...and, yes, even possibly funny. So, due to the destitute times and since there needs to be an immediate ersatz of our entertainment, I have compiled this list for all contemporary stand-up comedians. Now, the lesson begins here :

1. IF YOU ARE STUPID, PLEASE DO NOT APPROACH THE MICROPHONE.

   This one is fairly easy, given that you are an honest person and realize the act of your mouth moving is a disservice to any around you. Now, if you also decide to be a fundementalist about it and stop eating, I'll personally give a medal for your service above and beyond the call of duty. If you cannot tell whether or not you're stupid, assume the worst and drive hair pins through your lips; it's better to be safe than for me to listen to your sorry ass.

2. DO NOT MOLD YOUR MATERIAL AROUND THE AUDIENCE. THEY'RE MORONS.

   Remember, people come to comedy clubs to laugh. Why? Sometimes, it's because there is a particular person who they want to watch. But who's kidding who...most of the time, it's because they don't have a thought in their empty heads to amuse themselves for one minute. As long as you present your material with conviction and in any way which resembles comedy at all, they are going to laugh at it.

3. ATTEMPT TO USE YOUR BRAIN.

   Like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog says "Stop being a showoff with the eyes." For some reason, many of these jackasses in stand-up are fond of simply restating the empirical evidence of absurdity... without really addressing what is so stupid about it! Here's an exercise for any who fail to understand...Finish the following sentence : "If something is absurd, then in order for it to not be absurd, it would have to...". If you can't finish this sentence, you don't even understand how something is funny. So, go with what you know...wipe your ass on stage and smear shit all over your face. It made your mother laugh, and what's good enough for your mother is good enough for any idiot in the audience with a blank stare.

4. BE A GOOD WHORE.

   It's okay to construct comedy around yourself; after all, people love to listen to a cocky, narcistic bastard. But, if you want to talk about yourself, sell me on the best parts about yourself. If you happen to be a black woman, the first words in your act better not address the fact that you are black or a woman; you should address something about yourself which is more interesting and which makes you more of an individual. If you don't, I'll assume that you have just told me the most interesting thing about yourself, and I'll help you in your attempt to spread racism and sexism by chucking Schlitz malt liquor and tampons at the stage.

5. LOVE OR HATE SOMETHING.

   Treat your act as you should treat your life - make it worth the while. Have a relationship with your given targets of mockery. Feel the intense joy as you drive your dagger of ridicule into something that pains you to even think about, or jokingly poke fun at a lover as you would tickle that person. And if either of those don't work, pretend that each trip onto the stage is like being a gladiator before a Caesar, where the direction of his thumb (and subsequently your life) depends on your performance. More than likely, it will have a veridical quality to it, given that I'm very fond of attending comedy clubs with a loaded gun.